User talk:Moblie707
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the User:Moblie707 page. Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:14, January 2, 2015 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:20, January 2, 2015 (UTC) Re: Starting with the smaller stuff, your story had coding errors. This: appeared at the start of every paragraph. Use source mode when adding a story, also there is no need to indent as it causes a formatting error. I would also limit the number of fragmented sentences. ("Ted could hardly see his own two hands; eyes squinted, blocking out the relentless winds of the storm.") as they give the story a choppy feel. For the same reason, I would also advise against starting sentences with conjunctions. (but, and, because) Also I would resist the temptation to use ellipses in the story itself when a comma or period serves the same purpose and comes off as less melodramatic. Wording issues: "The room he donned “Entry”" (Deemed? Donned means to wear/adorn) "cat like" should be hyphenated to avoid confusion as well as "blood curdling", "He choked and struggled, coughing up thick (copious?) amounts of blood." Thick is descriptive for the viscosity of something, not its quantity. "He found nothing of significant use, other than an insalubrious expanse of antiques." Insalubrious is more used for climates/environments like an "insalubrious miasma". Also that is a bit confusing how were the large quantity of antiques of use to Ted? Grammar: it's=it is, its=possession. ("...it’s (its) arch...", "As the house breathed it’s last", "it's mouth", "it’s sickening words") There is also some inconsistency with the word "god", at times you capitalize it, whereas others it is left uncapitalized. Dialogue: Avoid capitalizing entire phrases, it comes off as a bit gimmicky. Use italics instead. Additionally, why add spaces in-between each letter? “A N D N O W A L L W E H A V E T O D O I S P U T H I M B A CK T O G E T H E R A G A I N…", “P E E L, P E E L, P E E L G O E S T H E S K I N…”, “N O T G O O D E N O U G H…”, What are you trying to achieve through the monster/being speaking like that? (A pause between each letter?) Why are those also separate quotes. There is no interrupting action between the creature's dialogue. It's an interesting story, but at times, it felt like you were using five dollar words that weren't necessarily needed (or applicable). "Donned", "insalubrious", etc. It reminds me of this back-and-forth. Faulkner said of Hemingway that he "has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." To which Hemingway responded, "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" The vocabulary works in some situations to improve the story, but at other ties, it comes off as a bit cumbersome. I would suggest taking this to the writer's workshop as I think it can be an entertaining read, but as it stands, there are a number of wording, grammatical, spacing, and capitalization issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:39, January 3, 2015 (UTC) RE: Deletion appeal Simply click Deletion Appeal and then select edit. Upon doing that make a header: Story Title {Unrev}} Then below give a little information. Did you re-work it? Did you take it to the WW, etc. and then sign your appeal with ~~~~. Remember to include a link to your story if you re-worked it and a link to the WW. Best of luck. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:30, January 7, 2015 (UTC) :NP. For clarification, editing it like changing other user's appeals, adding the "Dsmall"/"Asmall" template, vandalizing is grounds for a ban, but adding an appeal is perfectly fine. (That being said, try to upload it in a single edit as sometimes changing the appeal while someone is writing on it can cause them to lose their information/appeal that they were writing.) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 22:51, January 7, 2015 (UTC) ::That is because you had the unfortunate luck of doing it while we were archiving Deletion Appeal. (Blanking the appeal so it doesn't appear like a massive wall.) Let me pull it up and I'll paste it on the new page. (Will say, since I have been reviewing a lot of stories on the appeal lately, I will leave your's up to another reviewer. (Spreading the wealth!) If no one gets around to it in a few days, I can be cajoled into reviewing it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:54, January 7, 2015 (UTC) :::And it's up! EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:57, January 7, 2015 (UTC)